I Am An Evil Super GENIUS!!!: Chavs' Army

Earlier today, I saw an advertisement from the BBC requesting people to submit their ideas for the new series of one of my favourite Radio Four shows, Dave Gorman's Genius. Never one to pass up a golden opportunity for self-advancement like this, I submitted this politically incorrect but brilliant Genius idea:

Sending chavs abroad to fight our wars.

My Genius idea is to send Britain's chavs abroad to fight in Iraq, Afghanistan and other trouble-spots. This would kill three birds with one stone as not only would it cut crime at home, but the chavs and Al-Qaeda would also wipe-out each other on the desert battlefields.

My Genius idea would save taxpayers billions as chavs wouldn't need uniforms (they're already instantly recognisable by their hooded tops, Burberry and fake bling), high-tech weaponry (as most chavs already carry their own guns, knives, baseball bats and broken beer bottles) or training (as they spend hundreds of hours playing Grand Theft Auto IV and Halo 3 on their X-Box 360s and kill each other for real on the streets).

We could even sell our chavs' services to foreign powers such the United States in their quest to invade Iran, Syria and North Korea in order to bring in some extra revenue for the government.

In conclusion, chavs are cheap, expendable cannon fodder. They would obey orders without question because chavs are either drunk, high on drugs, stupid or all three. It would cut crime at home while simultaneously providing our enemies with an inexhaustible supply of violent, fearless and beer-soaked infidels from council-housing estates to eliminate during their martyrdom missions. The only costs that would be incurred by my Genius idea would be transportation and the government subsiding free beer for chavs to consume at recruitment events across Britain’s council-housing estates.

Forget Grand Theft Auto IV....

....I'd rather play this!!

Kick Ed Balls In The Balls

It's great fun (even if you have to play as Randy Jack Straw)!!

P.S.: I still prefer a game of Street Fighter Alpha 3.

Nintendo Wii grasses up cheating wife

A US soldier discovered his missus had been playing away at home after spotting a suspicious "Mii" on his Nintendo Wii, the Evening Standard reports.

The man, known only as Tony, returned from a year in Iraq to reports from chums that his wife had been cheating on him. He'd had the Wii for company while on service in Iraq, but had mailed it back to the States prior to his return.

His other half claimed she'd only kissed the suspect, a professional bowler, once, but the Wii said otherwise. Tony emailed a Nintendo messageboard admitting he'd was "confused about his wife's denials of any indiscretion".

However, he continued: "All that changed when I plug in my Nintendo Wii for some Wii Sports. I flip through the Wii menu and visit the Mii channel so I can peruse the many friends that I have created with the guys that I played with in Iraq. As I go through the characters I see there is a Mii that I have not created."

Tony concluded: "I went into the Wii message board and click on the calendar option. Through this menu I was able to identify the many nights my wife's Mii and this other Mii character played Wii bowling."

And for good measure, the offending Mii was apparently "strikingly similar" to the bowling philanderer.

The end result? "Tony has separated from his wife and filed for divorce," the Standard notes.

The 500th Post: Joysticks

I have just sent this letter to Retro Gamer magazine:

Dear Retro Gamer,

I found Ian Waddell’s letter in Issue 38 fascinating. As an aspiring future politician and a prude, I share his disgust at the presence of pornography adverts in the magazine, but unlike Mr. Waddell, I am a realist. Although retro gaming is growing in popularity, it still and will always only appeal to a dedicated, but niche market. As such, publishing houses need revenue from whatever source is willing to provide it to subsidise the price of a non-mainstream gaming magazine. Keeping the cost of the magazine as low as possible during a time of rising inflation (curse that Stalinist jock Gordon Brown and his collaborators at the Bank of England) is more important to me than the inclusion of cover discs.

Like it or not, sex sells! Pornography and retro gaming both appeal most to 18-to-34-year-old male virgins called Adrian or Darren who have very little-to-no social lives away from the internet. Indeed, both are very similar to each other in the sense both require their enthusiasts to fiddle about with joysticks, imagining that what they are doing is better and more satisfying than is actually the case. If Mr. Waddell wants to boycott the magazine, then that is his prerogative, but all he is really achieving by his actions is cutting off his nose to spite his face.

Yours faithfully, C4' B.A. (Hons.)

P.S. Please, please, please do a feature on the original Warioland for the good old Game Boy? It is one of my favourite games and much better than the rubbish sequels.

Sir Patrick Moore: Blame women for bad TV

Eccentric astronomer Sir Patrick Moore has claimed that TV is worse today because the BBC is run by women.

The presenter of The Sky At Night also belittled female newsreaders in an interview with Radio Times, describing them as "these jokey women".

Sir Patrick, 84, criticised the BBC for showing interesting programmes very late at night, especially the 650th edition of The Sky At Night, which was put out at 2am.

"The trouble is that the BBC now is run by women and it shows: soap operas, cooking, quizzes, kitchen-sink plays. You wouldn't have had that in the golden days," he said.

"I would like to see two independent wavelengths - one controlled by women, and one for us, controlled by men. I think it may eventually happen."

The TV veteran also said he would "rather be dead in a ditch" than appear on Celebrity Big Brother and he compared the soap opera EastEnders to diarrhoea.

When asked about his television "guilty pleasure", he said: "I used to watch Doctor Who and Star Trek, but they went PC - making women commanders, that kind of thing. I stopped watching."

Sir Patrick has presented The Sky At Night since April 1957, making him the longest-serving television presenter.

The xylophone-playing cricket enthusiast was knighted and appointed as a member of the Royal Society in 2001.

His interview in the next edition of Radio Times is part of the magazine's Great British TV survey, which asks TV celebrities for their thoughts on the current state of British television.

While I agree with most of the things the GamesMaster claimed, I do not share his views on Doctor Who and Star Trek. I believe those remarks show just how out-of-touch Sir Patrick is with life today. His remarks also display his ignorance of what both shows stand for in terms of empowering women as the equals of men.

Videogame Review: Gunstar Super Heroes [GBA]

The North American boxart for Gunstar Super Heroes

Title Information

Japanese & North American Title: Gunstar Super Heroes

U.K. Title: Gunstar Future Heroes

Format: Game Boy Advance

Japanese & North American Publisher: SEGA

U.K. Publisher: THQ & SEGA

Developer: Treasure Video Games

Origin: Japan

Players: 1

Storage: 8-Megabyte Cartridge

Save: EPROM

e-Reader: No

Wireless Adaptor: No

Ask most videogames enthusiasts to compile a list of their favourite Genesis (Mega Drive) titles and you will soon find out that among the most prominent of those mentioned is a title from 1993 that was at the time unheralded outside of the industry press called Gunstar Heroes. Developed by a then-upstart code shop comprised of former Konami programmers called Treasure, Gunstar Heroes was one of the few Genesis-exclusive titles that made Super NES owners turn green with envy due to its visual special effects, which were thought to be impossible on the Genesis and its wonderfully intense game play. The title quickly developed a cult following among those who played it and those players regularly lobbied for a sequel, but apart from a Japanese-exclusive conversion coded by M2 for the Game Gear two years later, these calls went unheeded until the announcement of Gunstar Super Heroes for the GBA.

Although this title is the official sequel to Gunstar Heroes, Gunstar Super Heroes is also an unofficial remake of the original Genesis classic, giving it a reassuringly familiar feel to veterans of the previous instalment in the saga. The plot for this title picks up from the conclusion of the original, when the destruction of the devastating Golden Silver causes the creation of four new moons that were eventually colonised. The appearance of another moon, a military machine satellite developed and controlled the sinister Empire organisation. As either as a female tomboy called Red or a male known as Blue, players must stop the Empire and its plans to resurrect Golden Silver.

As should be expected of any remake and sequel, this title’s visuals surpass those of the original Genesis edition. The graphics in Gunstar Super Heroes are big, bold and certainly more colourful than those of the prequel because the Genesis can only display 65 colours simultaneously, which had an obvious impact on Gunstar Heroes. Treasure are experts at pushing the technical capabilities of the systems it develops for to the limit. Gunstar Super Heroes is no exception, especially since Treasure is already very familiar with the abilities of the GBA’s internal architecture from developing Advance Guardian Heroes and Astro Boy Omega Factor. One of the many reasons why Gunstar Heroes on the Genesis is so memorable to those who have played it or seen in action was because Treasure were able to produce visual features that were thought to be impossible on the format. Treasure was able to create massive and complex objects from the use of multiple, separate sprites in a manner that would foreshadow the way computer-generated three-dimensional objects are comprised of multiple polygons. These effects return in this sequel, improved upon to advantage of the GBA’s superior hardware.

The Memory Will Never Die

Despite being a showcase of the Genesis’ technical abilities, Gunstar Heroes would not have enjoyed a cult following unless these abilities were used to help create a quality game playing experience and this too has been largely recreated and enhanced by the sequel. Veterans of the original will feel familiar with the way Gunstar Super Heroes plays as all of the stages from the prequel have been remixed for this title. That is not to say that there are no new game play features contained in Gunstar Super Heroes. Among these additions are action areas that are tributes to old SEGA classics, pulled off with a style of panache that is the typical hallmark of Treasure. The finest of these action area tributes is Cobit Village, a homage to Flicky where the player has to rescue chicks scattered throughout the vicinity and lead them all to the EXIT.

The control system in Gunstar Super Heroes has been altered from Gunstar Heroes to make both Red and Blue more versatile and less distinctive characters to use during game play. The biggest and most contentious change made in this title from the Genesis original is that to the weaponry available for use. Unlike Gunstar Heroes, where players could combine different weapons to cause maximum carnage, each character in this title has only three types of firepower at their disposal. While some hardcore Gunstar Heroes veterans resent this change because it reduces their satisfaction from wiping out opponents with ridiculously overpowered and customised weapons of mass destruction in the most spectacular fashion possible, others will appreciate how this significant alteration improves the balance of difficulty in this title.

Treasure Hunt

The scope of Gunstar Super Heroes’ presentation has also been expanded upon from its predecessor. Instead of aiming to complete the title, as was the case with Gunstar Heroes, this instalment in the saga has a greater role for its narrative that gives the cast of characters more personality. This improved feature is further built upon by the title revealing more rewarding story revelations when progress is made by the player with each higher difficulty level. Gunstar Super Heroes also records the player’s quickest elapsed times for each stage that has been cleared and top scores, providing further incentives to replay this title repeatedly.

However, Gunstar Super Heroes is not perfect. Unlike Gunstar Heroes, this title does not have a multiplayer feature. Apparently, Treasure attempted to incorporate a four-player option only to discover that it would compromise the rest of the game play on offer due to the technical demands required of the GBA. Unlike both the Genesis and the rival Super NES formats, the GBA’s technical resources are needed to operate both the portable’s wide colour screen and speaker in addition to generating visual and audio effects. If Treasure claims that if some feature cannot be accomplished satisfactorily, then such is the good reputation of the developer that it can be taken at its word. Gunstar Super Heroes is also a rather short game playing experience, while some Gunstar Heroes veterans might find this title to similar to the original Genesis version to be considered as a true sequel. These trivial gripes though do nothing to detract from the quality of Gunstar Super Heroes. You do not have to have played the Genesis original to appreciate fully the virtues of this title.

Verdict

While some hardcore veteran players of the original Genesis incarnation of Gunstar Heroes might grumble about certain aspects of this sequel/remake, Gunstar Super Heroes is still the definitive run-and-gun action title on not just the GBA, but also on any portable videogame system to date. Truly, this is one classic title to Treasure!

93% GAMER GOLD!

Did You Know?: Some characters from both Gunstar Heroes and Gunstar Super Heroes also appear in Treasure’s popular Guardian Heroes series.