I Am An Evil Super GENIUS!!!: Chavs' Army

Earlier today, I saw an advertisement from the BBC requesting people to submit their ideas for the new series of one of my favourite Radio Four shows, Dave Gorman's Genius. Never one to pass up a golden opportunity for self-advancement like this, I submitted this politically incorrect but brilliant Genius idea:

Sending chavs abroad to fight our wars.

My Genius idea is to send Britain's chavs abroad to fight in Iraq, Afghanistan and other trouble-spots. This would kill three birds with one stone as not only would it cut crime at home, but the chavs and Al-Qaeda would also wipe-out each other on the desert battlefields.

My Genius idea would save taxpayers billions as chavs wouldn't need uniforms (they're already instantly recognisable by their hooded tops, Burberry and fake bling), high-tech weaponry (as most chavs already carry their own guns, knives, baseball bats and broken beer bottles) or training (as they spend hundreds of hours playing Grand Theft Auto IV and Halo 3 on their X-Box 360s and kill each other for real on the streets).

We could even sell our chavs' services to foreign powers such the United States in their quest to invade Iran, Syria and North Korea in order to bring in some extra revenue for the government.

In conclusion, chavs are cheap, expendable cannon fodder. They would obey orders without question because chavs are either drunk, high on drugs, stupid or all three. It would cut crime at home while simultaneously providing our enemies with an inexhaustible supply of violent, fearless and beer-soaked infidels from council-housing estates to eliminate during their martyrdom missions. The only costs that would be incurred by my Genius idea would be transportation and the government subsiding free beer for chavs to consume at recruitment events across Britain’s council-housing estates.

Scarlets Scandal

This rumour (and I stress the word 'rumour') might interest Rugby Union fans, and supporters the Scarlets in particular. A couple of nights ago, source of mine learned that a Welsh international and Scarlets player who has featured in this year's Six Nations Championship has been found to be taking 'vitamins' he wasn't suppose to and has been sent into exile in France, having been told in no uncertain terms that he'll never play for the Scarlets again. The scandal is an open secret, but a statement on this matter is 'imminent'.

Now, this may be just a malicious rumour (which is why I won't name names), but if it is true, I bet his wife has had a pop at him.

The Dude Is On A Roll

Jackart has got a lot of bees in his bonnet at the moment, producing some cutting and brilliant articles on what's wrong with Britain today.

• Legalise Drugs. Now.
• A Review of my position on the EU
• Fuck off if you're Young.
• Labour's Mess
• What's wrong with Britain - Petty Jobsworths

Go read them NOW!

Terry Kelly Facts Part Three

• Terry Kelly was dubbed "The Great White Dope" after he agreed to box Muhammad Ali. Ali KO'd Terry in Round 14.
• Heroin was nicknamed "dope" in honour of Terry Kelly

Cameron plans updated national service for youngsters

LONDON (Reuters) - Conservative leader David Cameron is to call on Thursday for a modern-day national service to help foster "values of self-respect and social responsibility" among disenchanted youngsters.

He will suggest school leavers should undertake six weeks of voluntary charity work and physical training during the summer holidays to help groom them for adulthood.

He is to portray the scheme as a 21st-century equivalent to peacetime national service in the armed forces, which was used by the government between 1949 and 1960.

The move comes on the same day Prime Minister Gordon Brown confirmed a 21 billion-pound cash injection over the next three years for schools building improvements and the launch of a national debate about how children's services could be improved during the next 10 years.

The issue of anti-social behaviour and youth crime is high on the political agenda after a spate of teenage killings and growing worries about excessive drinking.

Cameron is to tell his audience in Bolton: "In the last century we had something that helped create a rite of passage, that brought people together from different backgrounds, that helped instil a sense of responsibility and that taught young people self-respect: That was national service.

"Ask anyone who did national service and they all say the same thing: 'It was something we all did together'.

"I don't want to bring back national service but I do want to bring forward a 21st-century equivalent: Not national service but National Citizen Service."

In Bristol, Brown and Secretary of State for Children, Schools and Families, Ed Balls, launched a national discussion called "Time to Talk."

The debate, attended by more than 50 parents, teachers, children and social care professionals was the first in a series of public events and consultation exercises that will take place during the next two months.

The ideas will go forward and help shape the government's "Children's Plan."

Balls said: "Now is the time to listen to people about what we can do better to help children achieve the best education, have a happy, healthy and safe childhood and prevent young people going off the rails and getting into trouble."

Cameron: It's about bloody time too!

Balls: The time for talking about how to deal with young thugs is over. Now it's time beat the little fuckers into line.

Finally.... CM Punk Captures The ECW World Heavyweight Championship Thanks To Drug Scandal

How ironic, the clean-living Straight Edge hero CM Punk finally defeats ECW World Champion John Morrison to grab the gold after Morrison was caught up in a drug scandal along with nine of WWE athletes. I bet Punk's critics backstage such as Arn Anderson and Finlay are furious!

Well Done Punk!

Quote of the Day 19.7.2007

"Just for the record, I have never taken an illegal drug for fear that I might actually enjoy it if I did. What you have never had, you don't miss." - Iain Dale

Same with yours truly Herr Dale!